Feeling So Free!

Hello,

After my last post, I have been thinking a lot. I have not been to busy so I have had all the time in the world to wonder. It impossible to tell you everything that has happened to me and all the feelings I have felt over the years it would take days to explain.
So lets just say I have been so foolish, I can understand why I have been sp upset, why I have lost hope. It’s no wonder why I have been so upset, having few friends, being bullied and lonely would make me feel so sad. Of course they would. But I am better than that.
My life has been so emotional hard, such a struggle at times, yet I never noticed that I still keep going. And that is something to be proud of. I no longer care anymore what people say about me. And I do not care that people do not talk to me. Because I can make it on my own in life. I no longer care many people do not know what I’ve been through. Because one day I will over come it all. And yes I may be not like many other teenagers but I am happy to be different.

All the pain I endured as a child does not make me cry anymore, I am happy I was that upset little girl because if it was not for her I would not be who I am today. I've become stronger. And the more hurt I go through the more I appreciate life and am grateful.
I have so much to live for and I'm not going to through all the possibilities away. I'm creative and good at art, writing, singing. I do not want to waste my talents and sit around being depressed loser.

There is so much I wish to see, and do and live for. All my life through how people treated me I had so much bitter and anger. I thought the world was only cruel and crushes every good thing in it.
    Now I've let go of anger I had, and I'm going to stand up for myself from now on. No more running away. I want to stand up for others too, because I know how hurtful people can be. Sometimes we all loss faith in humanity.

I used to hate myself, I've had to see physiologist for three years to help me get better with my anxiety. Because it was destroying my life. Everyday to step outside was a struggle. And no one at college ever knew I suffered from it and other things. So it has been very hard for me acting as though I am fine when I was not.
I'm no longer ashamed of myself, I used to feel like a prisoner of my mind I'm trying to be less shy and talk to people. I'm trying to show people the real me, the happy person I can be. I know who I am now. I am a happy kind person who has just had a lot of bad thins happen to them. I'm creative, brave, and adventurous sometimes a bit childish and foolish and shy, But I can work on those things. Most of all I am loyal friend. That’s why it hurts so much when my friends forget about me.

I've been trying to have fun for once. I stay at home because I don't really have many friends to see, But at home can still be fun! I've been singing, baking cookies, drawing, watching my favourite movies like Lord Of The Rings, Pirates Of The Caribbean. 
Pirates Of The Caribbean. Me and my sister are very big fans of all the films savvy? We used to watch it all the time, and quote the film everyday. We even know the whole script by heart. The music by Hans Zimmer is amazing! I've recently seen the new film "On Stranger tides" I thought it was really good.
I loved they way it was mainly focussed on the characters rather than the plot.

I've also recently watched this film called Tangled. It was great!  My fav part was "The kingdom dance" And that soundtrack music at that part gave my chills it was so beautiful when Rapunzul gets her hair in a plait with flowers in it, and dances with all the peasants to an upbeat flute and  violin melody. 

A song from the film "Tangled" goes;
"And at last I've seen the light,
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last, I see the light
And it's like the sky is new! 

This is sort of how I know, I feel like I've spend years being blind and lost. I felt afraid to take any steps in the world. But that's all part of growing up. Now I feel different. I just want to touch the sky, and follow the dreams that are calling me.
I feel like all my day dreams are coming real, I'm in such a joyful place and I do not ever want to leave.
I've also been watching all my favourite Animes. Luckily me and my sister love all the same films, we are very very, very similar.  My Twin sister is such a caring person, she has been so patient with me, I spent years sitting around not talking to anyone cause I was so unhappy, I used to look in the mirror and look dead and ill.
If it was not for my sister I would of never got better. I got better without even needing to rely on medication.
My twin sister is the only person who knows me. She is so wise for her age so gentle and kind. Twins really are the closest thing ever! Without her I have no idea what I do. She is the only friend I ever need.

For the first time ever I feel free, I never thought I could feel happy. I'm happy I never gave up, what kind of a role model would I be if I had! I feel like a bird that has just broken out of a cage, I feel like my body can not contain myself anymore like I’m going to explode!
I know this is odd but I'm sort of crying while writing this, for so long.
I just wanted to have the freedom to go outside and not be afraid anymore.
I did my Confirmation recently, I'm really happy I did cause now I feel apart of God family.
And feel proud to be a Christian. For my Confirmation name I chose the saint name Veronica. I feel God has really helped me in life, I used to pray for help and my prayers were never answered.
But I guess it is a test of faith. God could not go around doing what everyone asks. Otherwise it would not test faith.
 I used to feel confused because I thought why is life bad? Now I see life is bad because humans make it so. And life is unfair, but that’s the way it is. If life was perfect we would all take things for granted.

I'm feeling positive about college even though I'm dyslexic I was still able to get nine GCSES, so I feel a lot better about A Levels.
My art work unfortunately has not been going so good; the teachers say my style is very illustrational style, like something out of a book. But I can not help it I like being imaginative. I took it as a compliment, because I write books, and I would not mind illustrating books.
 
I do sometimes get upset about, well I used really like someone, and anyone I have liked in the past never liked me back. But again me being my silly sensible self I know there are more important things. Teenagers spend so much time worrying about love, when it never really works out well at such a young age. I'm quite independent though, I like being a strong independent woman... well girl.
I can not wait till summer holidays I'm going to learn how to roller blade! To make up for the fact I never learnt to ride a bike as a child. I have also joined the Brighton Glee club. Glee is a TV series about singing if you have not heard of it.
 But that will really help me become less shy and give me a chance to share my love for singing. And not long till I turn 18! So I really want to get a tattoo of my star sign which is Scorpio.

A lot has changed, and I feel ready to sort of grow up now, and find my path and stick to it. I guess this is where my life really begins!  :)