I am so lonley :(

Well I’ve got to a point in my life where I really give up.

I’m so lonely. I don’t have any friends. I used to have loads, but they all left and forgot about me. I do not understand what I did wrong?

I used to have friends. Now I feel so lonely.

It’s annoying because I did everything for my friends, I’m loyal and understanding, but now I’m so fed up of being so nice to everyone. Because I give so much love and get nothing back.

     Most of my old friends just used me. I always listened and helped them, and they did nothing for me. I don’t have much confidence so I do not know how to make friends, and I’m too scared anyway.

 I do not know how much more pain I could take if more people left me. How can people be so cruel?

I have loads of problems but I am not going to say what they are. Most people at college think I look upset all the time, but I can not help it. If they knew maybe they would understand. But even if they knew about me would they even care? I do not want people sympathy.

 

But sometimes I really do feel like just crying out and telling everyone at college. But I know people would not even care if I did tell them.  Everyone has problems and hard lives so who am I to say mine is bad? But I must admit ive only been alive 17 years and I’m surprised I’m still alive. I’m not sure most teenagers would be able to deal with what I have.

Again I will not say, I would not want to bore you with my problems. I do prefer to keep things to myself.

The worse thing is the people who do know and understand the bad things that have happened to me are my family. And they sadly have to suffer for it. I wish I could take away all there pain and worry for me. I want to make my family proud of me.

But I feel as though I am a burden on them. They would be better off without me, I am just a problem.

 I always wish I could become someone, I thought maybe there was a greater purpose for me in life. But now I’m not so sure.

I know people say “Don’t let people ruin your life, stand up for yourself.”

But I feel to week. I’m not brave, I let people upset me. Things people say to me really hurt me. I do not know how to stand up for myself. It must feel great for those who are brave and do not care what other think about them. I would love that sense of freedom.

I do have this feeling that keeps me going. Telling me to carry on. One thing you might not know about me is that I never give up. I reuse to.

    I always thought I was fighting my whole life for something, but now I don’t even know what I was fighting for? My whole existence seems pointless. I am only human so I guess my life is not really worth that much. I feel so misunderstood and underestimated.

I apologise if all this sounds very cheesy or over emotional.  But that’s just me. My life has been rather difficult, so it has given me plenty of time to think and ponder of things.

     I’ve learnt lots of lessons in life. But so far nothing has paid off. I just want to feel equal to others. Because right now I feel worthless. But just by saying that it makes me sound arrogate.

 Who am I to want this? I do not even deserve to feel happy. What have I don’t to earn people respect? Ive just been pathetic and weak.  I should be grateful at least I am alive, and I have lots to live for.

Surely it is not selfish of me just to want friends. Is that really to much to ask for?

I envy people with friends so much, because they are apart I want to know.  I’m afraid what people have done to me will make a bitter and cold.  Everyone else seems to know everyone, and go out all the times with friends.

I just stay at home watching movies or Anime, and drawing and other hobbies.

I don’t even have any friends that are boys! I do not even talk to boys! Unless at college I need to like borrow a pencil or something! I used to have friends who were boys but they all just left me.

Story of my life everyone leaves me at some point!  So yes if you are wondering I have never had a boyfriend but it does not bother me, I like being an independent girl.

  Anyway no one would ever love me anyway. I’ve spend years crying over boys, which was a waste of time.  I’m sort of strong because I don’t need to depend on such human feelings as love. I’ve been alone for so long I have got used to it.

I do know about love though.  Well, I know quite a lot about it.  I’m too shy; I think that’s why people do not talk to me. I do think about the future though. I am a strange teenager I really want to get married and have kids. When most teenagers just want to mess about.

 I really can not relate to people my age unfortunately. Anyway who would want to marry me? I will probably die lonely. But that does no bother me to much.  I have so much love to give, but no one wants it. So yeah I am a very lonely loser. Well at least I am being honest.

      Believe it or not but I used to have loads of friends in the past, and I was very happy, until I went to college. Everything just went wrong. I am willing to do whatever it takes to find friends.

 I never knew such a simple wish could be so hard to get. But most of the coolest people started of lonely.  Like all the heroes in books… I think I watch too many movies. Ha!

 But well it is true! The characters always came back fighting and became better than they were before.

 I have one best friend but we go to different colleges so I never get to see her. And I have a twin sister. But being a twin everyone thinks you do not need other friends!

At college this is a problem because everyone seems to think because I am a twin I do not need anyone else!  But if my twin did not go to my college. I would have no one! My Twin sister is my best friend and she too finds it hard making friends.  

    At college we are not known for being individuals we are only known as “the Twins” I hate this label!

We both just want respect and happiness. People do not even have the decency to remember our names. 

I and my sister have been really badly bullied.  My sister is stronger than me; she knows how to stand up for herself.  I admire and respect her for this. And I wish I could be like her.  My sister is the only person who believes in me and keeps gives me hope.

I know how hurts to be bullied is, and I really want to help others. Its funny I can stand up for others. But I am unable to do the same for myself.  It amazes me how cruel people can be to each other.

I hate seeing people upset. It’ so sad how many people are unhappy these days, how many people worry about the way they look or how many people suffer because of others injustice! Humans are so easily persuaded by the world around them, so easily hurt. It’s amazing what just a rumour can cause, or what one word can do to persons feelings.

  Sometimes I feel happy I suffered because it makes me more aware of life and make you stronger.

I guess growing up is hard too.

 Being a teenager you want to know about the adult world but then again want to stay a child.

 It is very confusing because you do not even know who you are yet at this age.
          I have no idea what I am going to do with my life.

 I always told myself I would be an author and a singer.  But with the way my college grades are going I don’t think I will be doing anything.

There was a time when I used like school and college.  But being Dyslexic and doing A levels is harder than I thought I would be.  The only subject I am good at is Art. I like being creative It’s the best way to escape from reality.  I love stories, music, films and imagination; I sometimes just wish I could get away from this world and go on some adventure. I know it does sound rather childish, but I am a child, I do not really feel my age, and I do not really want to grow up. As you can imagine I day dream a lot, maybe a little too much…

I guess some things you just can’t change, and times you can’t see until it’s too late.

And I know you got to lose in life to learn how to win.

I understand you have to just make it on your own. But the lonely path in life is not the easiest. And the freedom I seek comes at a high price.

The funny thing is, no one will even read this. I am invisible to people.  I will probably be dead by the time anyone looks at this. No one really read my blog!!!