Thinking of the past

Ive been thinking, a lot of people may not really notice my new found confidence. But hopefully people will be more inclined to talk to me because I will look more approachable and not be so shy.

 I am so a happy how far I have come. I never knew I could feel so peaceful and hopeful.

I feel I can actually enjoy college like all the other kids.

I used to think everyone hated me, because I thought everyone was mean. I had this opinion because all the people who bullied me lead me to thinking everyone was cruel. I now realise all the people who bullied me since I’ve been in primary school and college were wrong about what they said, and I am ten times better than them, because they are just mean immoral people who enjoy making people feel upset. People like that are not worth crying over. 

But I’ve noticed that there are actually a lot of really kind people, and not all people are out there to upset me. I feel as though I can stand up for myself now. The best advice I can give to anyone who is bullied is just to be yourself and never let people change you, and most of all stand up for yourself!

 I also thought that no one was like me and I could not relate myself to anyone, but now know a lot of people in college who have also spend their lives being bullied and have also had friends leaving them. I’ve even found some people who have similar interests as me. It’s such a joy to feel I am like other people and not feel like an outsider. And apart from the few mean vain people, you know those types of people that you always get in school that don’t care about anyone else. There are a lot of good and kind people who I feel very lucky to know.

The main thing I have learnt is that is to let go of anger I had. I always felt so angry and held onto hatred towards the people who hurt me. I’ve learnt to let go. Because if we all held on to anger against people who hurt us, it would only generate more hate in the world.

I was thinking about the past, and I held onto a lot of anger against my father. He was nasty and very aggressive, especially to my mother; He treated my mother only as a house wife and not as a human being.

I hate men who only believe a woman’s role is in the kitchen is to make sandwiches. I greatly respect independent women.

   As a young child back then I had an opion that all men were like my father, because a father is meant to be a role model.  And as a child if you see your role models act in certain ways, you start to have a certain opion on people and the world around you.

 I’m happy to say I know not all men are like my father, and there are many kind men out there.

 It always brings a tear to my eye when I see any father hand in hand with their daughter; I wish that I could have had that feeling of love as a child.  I do not even have one single family portrait photo, like many families have.

I wish I did. I wish my father loved me, like all fathers should, I hope he does.

I see my grandfather more as a father role model. When my parents decided to get a divorced, this was the day after my tenth birthday.  I lived with my grandparents for three years because we were too poor to buy a house or flat.

I enjoyed living there. My grandmother was so kind and amazing at cooking. My grandfather is very caring and clever.

 He used to read stories to me, and try to help teach me to read when I was a child because of my dyslexia I found it hard reading.

The only good memories I have of when my mother and father were married was when I used to go in the garden in our old house. It was a garden every child could possible want!

 I loved the trees we had and the flowers. It was a huge garden! I really like nature I know a lot of teenagers don’t. But I do.

I really enjoy watching a TV show called “Spring Watch” It really gives you an insight to how the outside world is.

 It is such a shame how greedy humans are, and we destroy wildlife for are own benefit.

I remember I used to watch outside my bedroom window as a child, we had this family of foxes that used to sometimes wonder in our garden from underneath the fence. We also had loads of birds that used to nest in the trees around where we live. I remember watching baby birds as they fledged and left the nest ready to fly free in the big world. It was so cute.

The biggest blessing I have had in my life is my Twin sister! She is awesome! I love being a twin. Me and my sister say things at the same time, it’s so funny! We even sometimes have similar thoughts; it is very strange but cool! I and my sister are writing books at the moment, we both want to be authors. It was my sister who got me into writing.

 I never knew I could develop so much understanding and devotion to writing a book. The best thing my sister ever told me about writing is “An author has to always keep his or hers aware for every sight every smell and every sound must be understood.”  My sister is so clever and she is so sweet too.

Feeling So Free!

Hello,

After my last post, I have been thinking a lot. I have not been to busy so I have had all the time in the world to wonder. It impossible to tell you everything that has happened to me and all the feelings I have felt over the years it would take days to explain.
So lets just say I have been so foolish, I can understand why I have been sp upset, why I have lost hope. It’s no wonder why I have been so upset, having few friends, being bullied and lonely would make me feel so sad. Of course they would. But I am better than that.
My life has been so emotional hard, such a struggle at times, yet I never noticed that I still keep going. And that is something to be proud of. I no longer care anymore what people say about me. And I do not care that people do not talk to me. Because I can make it on my own in life. I no longer care many people do not know what I’ve been through. Because one day I will over come it all. And yes I may be not like many other teenagers but I am happy to be different.

All the pain I endured as a child does not make me cry anymore, I am happy I was that upset little girl because if it was not for her I would not be who I am today. I've become stronger. And the more hurt I go through the more I appreciate life and am grateful.
I have so much to live for and I'm not going to through all the possibilities away. I'm creative and good at art, writing, singing. I do not want to waste my talents and sit around being depressed loser.

There is so much I wish to see, and do and live for. All my life through how people treated me I had so much bitter and anger. I thought the world was only cruel and crushes every good thing in it.
    Now I've let go of anger I had, and I'm going to stand up for myself from now on. No more running away. I want to stand up for others too, because I know how hurtful people can be. Sometimes we all loss faith in humanity.

I used to hate myself, I've had to see physiologist for three years to help me get better with my anxiety. Because it was destroying my life. Everyday to step outside was a struggle. And no one at college ever knew I suffered from it and other things. So it has been very hard for me acting as though I am fine when I was not.
I'm no longer ashamed of myself, I used to feel like a prisoner of my mind I'm trying to be less shy and talk to people. I'm trying to show people the real me, the happy person I can be. I know who I am now. I am a happy kind person who has just had a lot of bad thins happen to them. I'm creative, brave, and adventurous sometimes a bit childish and foolish and shy, But I can work on those things. Most of all I am loyal friend. That’s why it hurts so much when my friends forget about me.

I've been trying to have fun for once. I stay at home because I don't really have many friends to see, But at home can still be fun! I've been singing, baking cookies, drawing, watching my favourite movies like Lord Of The Rings, Pirates Of The Caribbean. 
Pirates Of The Caribbean. Me and my sister are very big fans of all the films savvy? We used to watch it all the time, and quote the film everyday. We even know the whole script by heart. The music by Hans Zimmer is amazing! I've recently seen the new film "On Stranger tides" I thought it was really good.
I loved they way it was mainly focussed on the characters rather than the plot.

I've also recently watched this film called Tangled. It was great!  My fav part was "The kingdom dance" And that soundtrack music at that part gave my chills it was so beautiful when Rapunzul gets her hair in a plait with flowers in it, and dances with all the peasants to an upbeat flute and  violin melody. 

A song from the film "Tangled" goes;
"And at last I've seen the light,
And it's like the fog has lifted
And at last, I see the light
And it's like the sky is new! 

This is sort of how I know, I feel like I've spend years being blind and lost. I felt afraid to take any steps in the world. But that's all part of growing up. Now I feel different. I just want to touch the sky, and follow the dreams that are calling me.
I feel like all my day dreams are coming real, I'm in such a joyful place and I do not ever want to leave.
I've also been watching all my favourite Animes. Luckily me and my sister love all the same films, we are very very, very similar.  My Twin sister is such a caring person, she has been so patient with me, I spent years sitting around not talking to anyone cause I was so unhappy, I used to look in the mirror and look dead and ill.
If it was not for my sister I would of never got better. I got better without even needing to rely on medication.
My twin sister is the only person who knows me. She is so wise for her age so gentle and kind. Twins really are the closest thing ever! Without her I have no idea what I do. She is the only friend I ever need.

For the first time ever I feel free, I never thought I could feel happy. I'm happy I never gave up, what kind of a role model would I be if I had! I feel like a bird that has just broken out of a cage, I feel like my body can not contain myself anymore like I’m going to explode!
I know this is odd but I'm sort of crying while writing this, for so long.
I just wanted to have the freedom to go outside and not be afraid anymore.
I did my Confirmation recently, I'm really happy I did cause now I feel apart of God family.
And feel proud to be a Christian. For my Confirmation name I chose the saint name Veronica. I feel God has really helped me in life, I used to pray for help and my prayers were never answered.
But I guess it is a test of faith. God could not go around doing what everyone asks. Otherwise it would not test faith.
 I used to feel confused because I thought why is life bad? Now I see life is bad because humans make it so. And life is unfair, but that’s the way it is. If life was perfect we would all take things for granted.

I'm feeling positive about college even though I'm dyslexic I was still able to get nine GCSES, so I feel a lot better about A Levels.
My art work unfortunately has not been going so good; the teachers say my style is very illustrational style, like something out of a book. But I can not help it I like being imaginative. I took it as a compliment, because I write books, and I would not mind illustrating books.
 
I do sometimes get upset about, well I used really like someone, and anyone I have liked in the past never liked me back. But again me being my silly sensible self I know there are more important things. Teenagers spend so much time worrying about love, when it never really works out well at such a young age. I'm quite independent though, I like being a strong independent woman... well girl.
I can not wait till summer holidays I'm going to learn how to roller blade! To make up for the fact I never learnt to ride a bike as a child. I have also joined the Brighton Glee club. Glee is a TV series about singing if you have not heard of it.
 But that will really help me become less shy and give me a chance to share my love for singing. And not long till I turn 18! So I really want to get a tattoo of my star sign which is Scorpio.

A lot has changed, and I feel ready to sort of grow up now, and find my path and stick to it. I guess this is where my life really begins!  :)

I am so lonley :(

Well I’ve got to a point in my life where I really give up.

I’m so lonely. I don’t have any friends. I used to have loads, but they all left and forgot about me. I do not understand what I did wrong?

I used to have friends. Now I feel so lonely.

It’s annoying because I did everything for my friends, I’m loyal and understanding, but now I’m so fed up of being so nice to everyone. Because I give so much love and get nothing back.

     Most of my old friends just used me. I always listened and helped them, and they did nothing for me. I don’t have much confidence so I do not know how to make friends, and I’m too scared anyway.

 I do not know how much more pain I could take if more people left me. How can people be so cruel?

I have loads of problems but I am not going to say what they are. Most people at college think I look upset all the time, but I can not help it. If they knew maybe they would understand. But even if they knew about me would they even care? I do not want people sympathy.

 

But sometimes I really do feel like just crying out and telling everyone at college. But I know people would not even care if I did tell them.  Everyone has problems and hard lives so who am I to say mine is bad? But I must admit ive only been alive 17 years and I’m surprised I’m still alive. I’m not sure most teenagers would be able to deal with what I have.

Again I will not say, I would not want to bore you with my problems. I do prefer to keep things to myself.

The worse thing is the people who do know and understand the bad things that have happened to me are my family. And they sadly have to suffer for it. I wish I could take away all there pain and worry for me. I want to make my family proud of me.

But I feel as though I am a burden on them. They would be better off without me, I am just a problem.

 I always wish I could become someone, I thought maybe there was a greater purpose for me in life. But now I’m not so sure.

I know people say “Don’t let people ruin your life, stand up for yourself.”

But I feel to week. I’m not brave, I let people upset me. Things people say to me really hurt me. I do not know how to stand up for myself. It must feel great for those who are brave and do not care what other think about them. I would love that sense of freedom.

I do have this feeling that keeps me going. Telling me to carry on. One thing you might not know about me is that I never give up. I reuse to.

    I always thought I was fighting my whole life for something, but now I don’t even know what I was fighting for? My whole existence seems pointless. I am only human so I guess my life is not really worth that much. I feel so misunderstood and underestimated.

I apologise if all this sounds very cheesy or over emotional.  But that’s just me. My life has been rather difficult, so it has given me plenty of time to think and ponder of things.

     I’ve learnt lots of lessons in life. But so far nothing has paid off. I just want to feel equal to others. Because right now I feel worthless. But just by saying that it makes me sound arrogate.

 Who am I to want this? I do not even deserve to feel happy. What have I don’t to earn people respect? Ive just been pathetic and weak.  I should be grateful at least I am alive, and I have lots to live for.

Surely it is not selfish of me just to want friends. Is that really to much to ask for?

I envy people with friends so much, because they are apart I want to know.  I’m afraid what people have done to me will make a bitter and cold.  Everyone else seems to know everyone, and go out all the times with friends.

I just stay at home watching movies or Anime, and drawing and other hobbies.

I don’t even have any friends that are boys! I do not even talk to boys! Unless at college I need to like borrow a pencil or something! I used to have friends who were boys but they all just left me.

Story of my life everyone leaves me at some point!  So yes if you are wondering I have never had a boyfriend but it does not bother me, I like being an independent girl.

  Anyway no one would ever love me anyway. I’ve spend years crying over boys, which was a waste of time.  I’m sort of strong because I don’t need to depend on such human feelings as love. I’ve been alone for so long I have got used to it.

I do know about love though.  Well, I know quite a lot about it.  I’m too shy; I think that’s why people do not talk to me. I do think about the future though. I am a strange teenager I really want to get married and have kids. When most teenagers just want to mess about.

 I really can not relate to people my age unfortunately. Anyway who would want to marry me? I will probably die lonely. But that does no bother me to much.  I have so much love to give, but no one wants it. So yeah I am a very lonely loser. Well at least I am being honest.

      Believe it or not but I used to have loads of friends in the past, and I was very happy, until I went to college. Everything just went wrong. I am willing to do whatever it takes to find friends.

 I never knew such a simple wish could be so hard to get. But most of the coolest people started of lonely.  Like all the heroes in books… I think I watch too many movies. Ha!

 But well it is true! The characters always came back fighting and became better than they were before.

 I have one best friend but we go to different colleges so I never get to see her. And I have a twin sister. But being a twin everyone thinks you do not need other friends!

At college this is a problem because everyone seems to think because I am a twin I do not need anyone else!  But if my twin did not go to my college. I would have no one! My Twin sister is my best friend and she too finds it hard making friends.  

    At college we are not known for being individuals we are only known as “the Twins” I hate this label!

We both just want respect and happiness. People do not even have the decency to remember our names. 

I and my sister have been really badly bullied.  My sister is stronger than me; she knows how to stand up for herself.  I admire and respect her for this. And I wish I could be like her.  My sister is the only person who believes in me and keeps gives me hope.

I know how hurts to be bullied is, and I really want to help others. Its funny I can stand up for others. But I am unable to do the same for myself.  It amazes me how cruel people can be to each other.

I hate seeing people upset. It’ so sad how many people are unhappy these days, how many people worry about the way they look or how many people suffer because of others injustice! Humans are so easily persuaded by the world around them, so easily hurt. It’s amazing what just a rumour can cause, or what one word can do to persons feelings.

  Sometimes I feel happy I suffered because it makes me more aware of life and make you stronger.

I guess growing up is hard too.

 Being a teenager you want to know about the adult world but then again want to stay a child.

 It is very confusing because you do not even know who you are yet at this age.
          I have no idea what I am going to do with my life.

 I always told myself I would be an author and a singer.  But with the way my college grades are going I don’t think I will be doing anything.

There was a time when I used like school and college.  But being Dyslexic and doing A levels is harder than I thought I would be.  The only subject I am good at is Art. I like being creative It’s the best way to escape from reality.  I love stories, music, films and imagination; I sometimes just wish I could get away from this world and go on some adventure. I know it does sound rather childish, but I am a child, I do not really feel my age, and I do not really want to grow up. As you can imagine I day dream a lot, maybe a little too much…

I guess some things you just can’t change, and times you can’t see until it’s too late.

And I know you got to lose in life to learn how to win.

I understand you have to just make it on your own. But the lonely path in life is not the easiest. And the freedom I seek comes at a high price.

The funny thing is, no one will even read this. I am invisible to people.  I will probably be dead by the time anyone looks at this. No one really read my blog!!!

A New Start

Hello, today I feel like I have changed a lot, just in one day. I’ve been thinking recently about my life. I used to feel so lonely. I still am I don’t have many friends. But I realised that maybe life is not so bad. It does not matter that I don’t have many friends. At least I am different, I am not a stereotype like many other teenager. I feel proud to be different. I does not matter if I can not relate to people my own age. I used to strive for peoples acceptance, used to cry my heart out cause I felt like an outside. Now I feel as though I don’t care anymore what people say about me. I no longer care if people push me down, because I will rise above it.

      I feel I am becoming stronger starting to know myself more. I’ve learnt today that fate is not set in stone, I may be a bit of a nobody now but I am determined to become braver! I know I have potential; I just need to try to be happier and not so shy.  I don’t really need anyone as long as I have my sister. I don’t need lots of friends. I now realise what is really important! It’s sort of cool being an outside you feel you walk a path alone. I am trying to be happier.

When I think of the past and I used to cry almost everyday, I felt ugly I thought everyone hated me. Ive had a few friends in the past that betrayed me and left me for popularity! At least now I don’t have many friends I will not get hurt. All I have ever wanted in life was to have friends. But now I realise I already did! I had my sister, and I have one close friend who is like another sister to me. Yes I might not be doing so well at college, but I know I can improve my grades. And people bulling me has sort of stopped now, because I sorted it out at college. I wish I had sorted it out earlier, but I was too scared. .I hope I will not get bullied anymore.

 Now I think I want to focus on college work. I want to try my best to get good grade. Just because I’m Dyslexic does not mean I can’t do well.

Today I went to the park with my sister to do some Art work. This was the time when realised all of this. My life is not pointless, I do have a life worth living for and I should be grateful. Me and my twin sister walked around the park and went on the swings. It was rather childish but it was nice, it reminded us of our childhood. Not the bad times but the good times we had. Luckily not all my childhood was bad apart from the arguments at home, it was alright. We had a really good day. It made me think about life is short I need to make the most of it. I don’t want to cry all the time anymore, I don’t want to feel useless; I don’t want to feel as though I am nothing anymore!  I always look sad at college I don’t want people to remember me for looking sad, if people knew why I look sad then maybe they would understand. But I want people to remember me for being happy.

      So this is a new start to be honest I’ve always thought I would be upset, I never thought my life was worth living.  My sister has opened my eyes, shown me that life is worth living. I’m still suffering from Anxiety and stress; I find it very hard going anywhere without feeling nervous. Sometimes having panic attacks. But I am a lot better from what I used to be. I just try to stay away from crowds.

  

To think a few years ago I felt so lost, I had so many problems people did not know about, (which I will not say, because my friends who read my blog might worry about me.) Let’s just say A LOT of bad stuff has happened. But now I feel positive and ready for a new start! I’m going to peruse my Music career. And I will never give up on it! I am more determined than ever to write songs and sing! If I ever do make it, any money I make I would not really need so I’m going to pay the world back and give it to charity. I don’t care about the money I just want to sing! Wish me luck for the future!   :)

Searching For My Reality.

 I’ve always felt like an outsider. I am not like other teenagers; I just think I can’t relate to them. It would be nice to know if anyone out there feels the same? I can’t understand what they say. It’s like they are speaking another language. 

I do talk to people my age, but sometimes I feel some teenagers now days are just trying to be stereotypes. I do feel like an outcast. I think if people just talked to me they would understand me. I am very shy so this might be why people do not talk to me much.

Being a teenager is hard I feel almost stuck between adult and being a child. I am a teenager but I act more childish than I should do for my age. I do not really look my age everyone tells me look really young for my age. Not sure if that is a good thing or not. But it is hard, every time I go into cinema they always ask me for my age, and I have to explain to them “I’m sorry I can’t help it if I look like a little kid!”

I’m doing A levels at the moment at college. I will not lie they are extremely difficult!  I am not exactly the cleverest person. College is hard; it’s hard trying to make friends. Get good grades. Everything! Strange but my favourite part of college is getting there. I walk everyday to college with my sister.  We live quite far away from college so it does take a long time to walk there. But it give us time to talk about whatever is on our minds, like our favourite films, books, music.

   I don’t want to bore you with things about my life as I am sure your life is more interesting than mine. I suffer from dyslexia (a learning difficulty) and anyone who else who does will know trying to get a good education can be tricky. Does anyone else here also have or knows someone with dyslexia? Luckily I have a kind and clever twin sister to help me. Does anyone here have a twin?  Being a twin is one of the best things in the world!

I’ve been thinking today, life is so hard. I’ve had quite a hard life. Which I will not really talk about as there is too much to explain. I will admit. Sometimes through the pain you start to wonder why I am here. There is not point in being around if no on cares. Through the years of extreme bulling I had as a child I wanted to give up.  People made me feel ugly and ashamed of myself, made me feel as though I was worth nothing. I don’t understand why some people are so cruel?

      If you have been bullied my advice would be…

Even though people tell you, you are a nobody.  If some people laughed at you, do not let them break you down! Do not let other people stop your dreams. Just because you are bullied does not mean you can’t prove people wrong.  Just because some people laugh at you, it does not mean you are any less human than others. Every time someone laughs at you or when someone gives me a cruel look. Let it make you stronger more determined to show them you are just as good as them. Everyone is equal.

I will not lie trying to be happy when you are being bullied is not easy. And no cheesy speeches are really going to make you feel much better.  The truth is people can help you. But really you can only really help yourself. You have to think of what is your best qualities are like talents or best personality traits.

Write a list of all the things you are good at. Then you have to start believing in yourself. Yes it sounds cliché but it really does help.

Best of luck to anyone who is going through a similar situation!

Please comment with your ideas and Opinions.

What is our fate?

Today have been in a very strange mood. Does anyone ever wonder why they are here? What is there purpose in life? I'm sure we all have a role to play. I wonder if we can shape are own future or does it shape us?
Today I tired to think what was the point of my existence. Funny but I could not think what it was.
I think mine might be just to live. It may not be anything speical. but it is a reason none the less!
Maybe some of us are not meant to become more than what we are, we need to have boundaries.
Or do you think people can change? Is there a chance that anyone could live the life they want and become more than they thought they could be? Could someone who was unknown to others, a outcast rise above their loneliness to become someone people respect?
What do you think, and What do you think your fate is?  :) (I know I'ts a hard question. But would be intresting to see what peoples ideas are.)

Just a little thought I had about music today.

It's so funny how songs can realte to our own lives. It's beautiful to think how a song, or a single lyric can inspire us, make us cry, comforts us, or remind us of a forgotten memory.
 Maybe we all have our own song. Maybe it is up to us to write our own lyrics.
I guess music express words we can not say. Somtimes we never take the time to listen to what is going on in our own lives. We forget that life is just like music, with the right song to motivate us, we can acomplish anything we want!

So whatever music you love, keep listerning to it and if you have a dream to write music or sing music remmber never to give up. Keep trying. Even if people laugh at you, or tell you you will never make it. 
With the right state of mind anyone can make it their reality! :)